“I entered the session with Purnama feeling a little uncertain about what I had to offer and what we would share. I’ve been making an intentional effort in finding spaces where I am able to access my voice in a safe environment, where I don’t feel judged or nervous to express. In Ubud I’ve been able to tap into that energy a little, but up until the time together with Purnama, I still felt that tightening in my chest when it was my turn to speak in a group.

 

One of my biggest frustrations in life is how I’ve held myself back from speaking at times, because a part of me would think what I have to say wasn’t important, or worrying what people think. I made questioning my own mind a habit and fell into this pattern so often it would prevent myself from speaking at all. I’d come to believe that the voices of other people were vastly more important than my own.

 

I shared some of this with you when we met as I wanted to bring sincerity to our meeting, because despite the way I can hold myself back at times, I truly believe that strength can be found in the willingness to connect and be vulnerable. I also know I’m not alone in these challenges. I’m self aware enough to know the only person who stands in my own way is myself. 

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I’d had such a pleasure to experience my first ever Kirtan with Purnama and it was absolutely captivating and cracked my heart open in ways I couldn’t even believe was imaginable. The power of singing together in a group and feeling abundantly connected was something I hadn’t experienced since I was a child. It saddens me that as we grow up we are often restricted by society and start to believe others when we are told that we can’t do so many things that we are drawn to. I can’t count the number of times I’ve allowed external sources to dictate my freedom and my potential. These moments when I haven’t done this have actually been pivotal and vital in recognising a transformational shift which has brought me back towards the root of who I forgot that I was. 

 

When I shared these struggles with you at the start of the session, I had no idea what was about to come which I’m glad about. I love that you didn’t forecast anything & respected confidentiality, as everyone’s experiences are completely their own. I also think that when you have stories to compare to or certain expectations then they can create a blockage for your own experiences. I really like that it was more about an exploration to see where our voices would take us and I think that opened up the portal for me.

 

What happened next felt deeply personal but you structured the session so it was a slow build where we fully warmed up our vocal cords (generating safety) and you instilled confidence consistently by validating me. I felt that we were fully immersed in the experience and shared the connection. I felt so safe to express and my whole body felt like it was floating within the intuitive singing portion. It felt like I had a stream of electricity flowing all over me. What had to be chanted felt so inherently important that for me it wasn’t an option not to sing as loudly as I could and to speak the words which had no meaning in the literal sense. I didn’t understand what the words meant but I FELT the importance of them.

 

When we slowed down I was kind of in disbelief from what had just happened, and sunk into a little bit of denial because I couldn’t believe that it was my voice that had roared out of me. There had been a power there that felt almost unrecognisable. I kept repeating that it wasn’t my voice and I didn’t know what had happened and you validated me once again by saying “It was your voice.” 

 

It was only on my ride back home that I had a moment of clarity and I realised that the energy I had experienced was always within me and this was something that I had forgotten how to access, and you shared tools with me on how to access that inner voice. That all consuming feeling of importance and power I felt during our session had always been within me but it felt like a foreign body at the time. In that moment that we shared, nothing else mattered other than what I had to express and the force that rumbled out of my belly. You even chanted the words that came out of my mouth with me, giving them more power and strength. Validating me once again. The support you gave was beautiful and from what I know of you, and although our meetings have been few at this point, you embody that throughout your life. I have always felt really calm in your presence and am so glad that my first 1:1 vocal activation was with you. 

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. 

 

A little side note, but I had a zoom job interview the other night. I’ve had panic attacks during job interviews in the past because I spend days before hand worrying that I won’t be able to demonstrate the essence of who I am and somehow feel like an imposter. It’s always felt so challenging for me to sell myself. It’s almost like I get embarrassed by talking about my strengths. Before the interview, I felt the tightening in my chest begin again and I grabbed the shamanic drum that I purchased from you and started beating it and concentrated on my breath and started singing whatever came out. Truth be told, I absolutely have no rhythm or coordination yet, but the action of just doing this softened my chest and heart and I started laughing so hard. How beautiful it is to create and be childlike and learn something new. Suddenly it didn’t matter so much if this person that was interviewing me didn’t like me because I realised I liked this version of me. The version of myself who gave deep belly laughs from trying to sing an early 00’s pop punk song to a Shamanic drum, like that was what they were made for.  But why not? We lose sight of the fun when we are always trying to abide by doing things “right,” and who even decides the right way to do things anyway?! 

 

I believe the session with you helped me to come to these conclusions. It feels really helpful on my journey and for that, I am truly grateful.